Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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