She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
