before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
