I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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