You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
