Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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