Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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