mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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