the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
