New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
