Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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