It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
