Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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