I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
