my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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