I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
