Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
