I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
