a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
PANTIES FOUND
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