The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
