So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
