I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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