Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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