I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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