question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
