Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
