I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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