I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
