I wish I only lived at night.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
