Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
