Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What a dumb baby whore.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
