My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
