there's paper in my vomit.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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