Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
