he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
