she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
