I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
