I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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