I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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