I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
