Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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