It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
