there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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