I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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