Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
