don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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