White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
