he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
