two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
