My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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