The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
